Chronic illness stole my childhood but my period stole my life
As a child I thrived,
on puzzles of all kinds.
I’d pour over the pieces,
survey the dots and lines.
Pain was the catalyst,
which would begin it all.
But when the pain began,
I was too young, too complex.
My back used to ache,
but I’ve blocked most of it out now.
I was ten years young,
my body frail and old.
Mum would drive me
five hours from home,
for appointments in the big city.
More questions, but no answers.
I remember vaguely,
how much school I missed.
I was too sick to see friends,
too sore to leave bed.
Not long after came pelvic spasms,
but I hadn’t had my period yet?
I was only eleven.
This new pain made my back worse,
test after test,
Valium after Valium,
from age ten to twelve.
For two years I suffered,
and then it came.
My first period at twelve,
how life would never be the same.
I felt relieved at first,
when it came.
I’d had unknown pain they kept saying,
would just go away.
With that it mind I walked into school,
pushed down the nausea,
Breathed through the pain.
Smiling to myself, a sense of relief,
“It’s your first period, you’ll be ok.”
This is normal, this is fine,
Is the mantra I made.
Over and over,
“you’ll get used to the pain.”
I perfected this mantra for years to come,
pushing through the the terrible pain,
increasing each time.
Once my period came the tests stopped.
Surely everything will be fixed,
now that I’m bleeding.
I don’t know what changed,
but soon I became tired.
For the puzzle before me,
was too complex for my mind.
Fifteen years on,
not much has changed.
I’m still stuck in this puzzle,
tired and drained.
